BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING

This weblog used to be my main and only one, where I wrote about things regardless of how I felt. From March 25th of 2024 onwards, I have changed this to be the 'weepingblog', and all of the more light-hearted entries from previous times will be moved over to a newer 'happyblog'. It gives me a way to organise things a little better on this site.


25th May, 2024

Nearly the end of spring already. Our living conditions are getting weird lately. The oven door is protruding out of its frame and the handle has completely fallen off. There's mold growing in a corner of the kitchen ceiling. The bathroom sealant behind the sink is molded and falling apart. There's still dark patches of old, dead mold on the end of one wall of my bedroom. Dad is a manchild still, I find myself realising that more often lately. I feel bad for resenting Mother when she first fell ill. If I HAD the money I can tell you with completely sincerity that I would be living far away from both of them. I swear, my sister and I are the only sane people in this household. We've both agreed that we'll do our best to NEVER end up in a living situation like our parents. I'm better than both of them, really. So much better.


21st April, 2024

As soon as one of them leaves the house, the other is immediately on my case to bitch and complain about their problems. SHUT UP!!!! I'M NOT YOUR DAMN THERAPIST!!!!


17th April, 2024

Why do I have to be the one who fixes my parents. They're old enough to do it themselves, but noooooo. I have to tell my mother to sign up for therapy and I have to be the one who tells my father to man up and sort his emotions out. They always come to me and weep about each other. I woke up to my mother crying in my face. I only moved back in because it helps me financially and I want to see my little sister. I'm not here to solve their problems. They should do it all themselves. Only bother me if one of you is going to die. They're treading on thin ice, is all I'm saying. This time last year was so mellow. We had that holiday in Japan and everything was fine. When did it all go wrong? Oh yeah, June. Stupid family. I need them but they're such a hindrance sometimes. To each other, more than myself. Ugh. Just heard Dad in the kitchen whisper "shut up" under his breath because my mother is singing loudly. It's annoying, sure, but he's still an asshole. They both are. I find it hard to openly love them sometimes, even though deep down I really do love them, but it's just so difficult to show it right now. All I can do is make sure they don't get worse, and that most importantly, my little sister is safe and ok. She's the most important one in this household for me. Everything I do, I'll do for her. She's the reason I'm living here again. My little sister is number one.


12TH MARCH 2024

Hate this fucking household. If I had the money I'd move way out and never talk to either of them. Dyed my hair yesterday. I don't want anything to do with either of those retarded adults anymore. They can't act mature enough. I don't know why I feel all this resentment towards them but I do. Especially Mother. Whether it's because she's a cripple or not is not something I understand. Probably. I need to work on an academic writing piece later.


9TH MARCH 2024

Well, Dad's finally gone and told her that he wants a divorce. Needless to say she's upset about it a lot. But she says such nasty things to him. I daydream about what it would be like if she moved back to our native country. I'm so tired of it all. She thinks that the divorce would make me and my sister sad. But it won't. It would do the opposite. I'd be so relieved. Dad showed me some audio recordings of stuff that she kept saying to him while he was working. And it's awful. I've never known she could be like that. She was saying things like "It's not my fault. It's your fault. Your love is fake, isn't it? Poor Sumi. She will hate you someday." It's gross. It's genuinely so gross. I will never ever hate my father. Even if he drinks too much sometimes. She says that I'm similar to him. But I'm not. I feel so guilty about writing such stuff. But how else will I get out the turmoil? Sorry my entries have been so depressing lately. I am having fun most days, but the misery of this home situation overshadows it all sometimes. But the last few days I spent abroad on a trip with the college, and it was swell, and I didn't worry about home at all. I wish every day could be like that.

Her room smells weird sometimes. It's like she's festering in there, given that she never leaves it. There's no way it can be good for her health, physically and mentally. The curtains are always drawn and the harsh yellow light is permanent, regardless what time of day it is. And tomorrow is Mother's Day. I hope nothing bad happens.

I know you're still reading this, Mum. I know you are.


19TH FEBRUARY 2024

Had a daydream about throwing all of the alcohol at home down the sink. It would be so nice, and it would fix so much. No stupid booze for anyone and I will never ever drink it, lest I want to end up living like HIM, stuck with HER. They had another argument yesterday about Mother's lack of multiple sclerosis, and Dad's dreadful drinking the night before, which ended with him in the kitchen at 3AM, in a most awful state, thank God I was not awake to see him like that. Divorce already. We'd ALL be better off.


18TH FEBRUARY 2024

Apparently there's something called Sora AI now, which makes REALLY convincing video footage from text. It's pretty disturbing. I think from now on, I will make every effort I can to ensure that my art, the stuff that I create, will be physical, tangible, something you can touch and feel in real life, rather than look at from behind a screen. I will do all of it by hand and never, ever rely on a crude machine's approximation of the human brain. AI is lazy, it is impersonal, it is dull, it has none of the flair and thrill and joy that comes with actually holding a pencil in your hand. And to think that some of my tutors WANT me to interact with this disgusting thing as part of my grade! It's pathetic. I will always look down on people who use AI, whether it's for writing the essays they couldn't be bothered to write themselves, the digital illustrations they couldn't be bothered to draw themselves, and now, the films they couldn't be bothered to make themselves. It's awful. It's sickening.


4TH FEBRUARY 2024

Hope my parents get a divorce soon. Went to the city center with Dad yesterday and we talked about it over drinks (though I had only diet cola). Mother still hopelessly in love with him, Dad seems sick of her. Said she gaslights him. If we had money it would all be done already, I'll bet, but we don't, so it'll take forever. If that happens, I'm not sure what would happen with Mother. Maybe she'll move back to her country, or she'll stay with someone else over here. I will finish this degree regardless, and stay with whomever has money. I shall get a small job of my own, should they need more financial support (though a part-time bartending job wouldn't pay much).


31ST JANUARY 2024

Went outside today and bought a baguette for breakfast. Went to a local park and ate said baguette while playing dulcimer. Tomorrow will be a day out with the Illustration class, we are going to a gallery in the city center, and I shall then head to the guitar district to do some observational sketches. Got an interview on Saturday for some florist's position I forgot to apply to. Still loathe this country's drinking culture, it is sickening. Stupid fags and their obsession for booze, it'll kill them in the end.

I think the absolute worst life I could ever have would be living in this city as a proper adult, with some dead-end job in finance or some other wretched office gig, barely scraping by with insane rent for a one-bedroom apartment, dependent on coffee to stay awake, miserable and lame. I will never ever live like that. Gotta get out of this country as soon as I get my degree, God knows where to, but hopefully somewhere that I can actually afford to live in without sacrificing basic luxuries.


27TH JANUARY 2024

My sister says she woke up at 6am to the sound of my parents arguing yet again. On a Saturday, no less! Do they really have nothing better to do?? By the time I woke up, Dad was out running errands, but when he got back, he told me that Mother straight up BIT HIM ON THE ARM. What the fuck is going on. Oh yeah, I forgot to write about it, but I've moved back home (source of all evil) because the student accomodation rent prices are ridiculous. It's actual exploitation, I swear!! Damn the capital city.


20TH JANUARY 2024

Well, Mother just told me she's been reading my weblog for a while now. Uh oh! I don't really care actually, this whole website is public, and has been so since I first put it up. Dumb move on my behalf, but it's none of my concern anymore. If anything, I consider this website, this weblog specifically, to be an open diary for anyone to see what my life is like, whether good or bad. Obviously it's been kinda shitty at home lately, but whatever. I'm glad I don't use social media anymore, because people are so sensitive over there and they get into arguments about the most trivial things, so if they saw the sort of words I use and the sort of things I write about, I'd for sure get 'cancelled', ha ha. Mother can read this weblog as much as she likes, I won't be changing my writing habits any time soon. 20 years old and here I sit, writing about my parents' marital problems like some miserable 14-year old. I still feel like a kid in so many ways. Ugh.

Some might interpret this whole weblog as a cry for help. It kind of is, really. But I also write about nice things in here when I can, it's just that those nice things are so few and far between lately, the misery of home-life just seems to swamp it all. I know Zahra reads this, I know Mother reads this, gee, I don't care if the whole world is reading this!


18TH JANUARY 2024

DIVORCE ALREADY, YOU FOOLS!!!!!!!! Is what I would say to my parents, if it were actually possible. But blah blah house prices, blah blah moving back to Japan, blah blah blah. It's all Greek to me. I was out all afternoon today, which was awesome. I met two of my highschool friends at that pancake place, which was awesome. I had a berry compote waffle with vanilla ice cream, and a mocha, and they both had pancakes. After that, we went to a museum together, and saw all sorts of awesome things. My favourite was the space exploration section, it has REAL ROCKETS in it, and I've loved that section since I was five years old...and then we saw the medicine section, and then the engineering section, and finally the gift shop, where one of my friends bought a Lego set for her little brother (who is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!!). But I also like to baby my little sister, so I can see why she bought it for him. My little sister will always be a little baby to me, she's so special. And then we went to a spicy chicken place, and I underestimated the spice level, and ate something so burningly painfully hot, I felt like I was about to pass out, no joke. A wretched meal it was, tasty, but wretched all the same. We took some instant photographs together, one of which I'll put on my wall, and then said our goodbyes.

And when I returned home, I was greeted with the wonderful (sarcasm!) news of my parents having quarreled yet again at dinner, which I managed to avoid by just ten minutes. Mother and Dad were apparently talking about North Korea at dinner, and having a real solid discussion about it, up until Mother said "seriously, just shut up, because I know more about this than you". That's so fucking rude!! Even if your marriage is in shambles, that's not something you oughta say to your husband. Dad got rightfully mad about it, so he just up and left the dinner table, I've been told. And my little sister just ate her dinner quickly and went to her room. I know Mother is sick, but that's no excuse to be mean to people you care about. It's human fucking decency, quit pathologising all your behaviour!!! Take some accountability for once! Both of them need therapy, but they're too dense to see it. If I could work my will, they'd be having weekly sessions in marriage counseling, and it would give Mother a reason to leave the house, too.

10TH JANUARY 2024

Early in the morning, 1:17 AM. I'd like to wear a skirt at some point soon, maybe when college starts up again. For some reason, I remember wearing girly clothes, and how I looked in them, just about two years ago, but I can hardly remember how it felt to BE girlish, and how to FEEL girlish. I've got quite a deep closet, so there's lots of stuff in there I can wear, and I've got the most wonderful brown and white houndstooth patterned winter coat that's been collecting dust for a little while now. I'd like to wear that again, and I know the best outfit for it. A black turtleneck, this beige miniskirt, hose and this pair of maroon crocodile leather loafers. But how would I feel once I put it on? My hair is long enough to lie flat on my head now, but it certainly isn't a bobcut. Gender expression is a fun toy to play with, and I get the feeling that most people who see my website without knowing me personally would think it belongs to a boy. I adore masculine fashion, and I adore feminine fashion just as much, if not more. So why is it always so weird for me to imagine myself wearing womanly garb? You see those flowing ballgowns that the live-wires wear at the Met Gala and big red carpet events, and I just know I could never wear such a thing. It wouldn't feel like me, but nor would some boring old suit.

That coming-of-age photoshoot last April is something I remember really well, of course. I got all dolled-up in that kimono, and had my makeup done for me, and stood for about two hours in various poses, grinning the whole way through. I remember sitting in the chair while a lady talked about my eye shape, and she painted me with concealers and powders and all kinds of glittering things. The kimono fitting, where a mosquito bite on my ankle was SO irritating, and the way my grandma laughed as I sat in that heirloom woman's kimono with my legs apart and my hands on my knees, the way a man sits, and how I laughed too. I look at those photos and I remember everything, but I know for a fact that if those photos were the only surviving thing of my existence in the far future, my ghost would be rolling in its grave. It's not my personality in the slightest. That giggling, vapid girl posing with those elegant fake nails and the parasol in her hand, that frivolous young woman with her eyes framed in purple eyeshadow. She looks exactly like me, for she is me, but there is hardly a hint of Sumi. Sumi who likes to wear the hand-me-downs from her father, Sumi who cuts her nails so short you think they'd bleed, Sumi with her calloused fingertips from cooking and sewing and playing dulcimer, Sumi who looks like a boy but looks at pictures of girlish fashion in magazines, wishing she could wear those someday. I don't see her in those photos. It was such a nice day, though.

You might think I'm commiserating all of this, but I'm not. I don't feel sad writing this, just a bit strange.


7TH JANUARY 2024

Holy fuck what a horrible start to the year. 2024 kickin' my ass already!! Last night was insane and not in a good way. Allow me to elaborate, girliepop.

11pm and I am in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I'm about to brush my teeth and I can hear my parents arguing a little from their bedroom (as it is right next to the bathroom), but I think nothing of it until my mother screams and leaves the bedroom. Ah, something is happening and indeed, I will be thrown into this, I think to myself. I open the door to see what's going on and my mother is sitting hunched over clutching her knees on the floor, and yells out for me to "hide the knives", she is scared of losing control and hurting herself. I panic and run into the kitchen and hide the knives away in some dark corner of the kitchen where nobody can see them, and Dad tells me that they had an argument. Long story short, Dad no longer loves my mother because she's invalid and he misses her for how she used to be. Mother asked him for a hug before bed and he wouldn't give it to her, telling her that she's selfish, self-obsessed and intolerant of other peoples' opinions, which isn't really the best thing to say to someone right before they go to bed. Retarded decision if you ask me, but it was his choice so I don't care. Mother kept saying how she didn't want to die but she didn't want to live like this anymore, and an ambulance was called, I took Mother to the hospital's Emergency Department at around 1:30 AM, and I got home at 4am, and woke up at a quarter to noon. Holy fuck I'm tired.

If I could be anywhere right now, I would be in a warm country, sitting under a waterfall on a rock formation. The air smells of moss and leaves and I am so cozy. Maybe there's a natural lake I can swim in, warm, and I see parakeets chirping 'auuk auuk' in the trees. Foreign fruit hangs from those trees, all different colours, and the leaves are just as vivid. I spend a couple of hours there, and I make my way back to some sort of indoor place, and the air is colder now, but I curl up in a pile of warm blankets and I nap for 20 hours.........I wake up feeling refreshed and all the stress is gone. Ohhh yeah.


3RD JANUARY 2024

Happy New Year 2024!! I think Dad's mildly drunk again. He went out into town for the whole day to go see some friends, and he's home now, but he's been irritable and obsessive about cleaning the house. There's still soup leftover for dinner, but he's having pizza. I can hear him sighing and swearing under his breath, real loser behaviour if you ask me. I hope he doesn't become an alcoholic, I know he rationally wouldn't, but he seems like the type to fall into it. I'm dead meat if he reads this weblog on a daily basis, he knows I have a website of my own since I showed it to him last year.

He seems calm now. He's going to watch Blade Runner 2049 on TV, so that'll keep him chill for now. Honestly, the way I talk about him sometimes, it feels as though I'm describing the natural habitat of a venomous serpent! Cue the David Attenborough voice talking over footage of my dad on the sofa..."And now, we see the wild Papa in its relaxed state. Passive, but --------" so on and so forth, hahaha.


31ST DECEMBER 2023

The final day of the year. It's 12AM here, so I suppose it counts as a new day now. Dad's been drinking a lot today, more than the weekly recommended amount all in just one day. He's not a full time drunkard, which is good, but there are days when he drinks and I think to myself, "were it not for the family and his job, would he be the sort of guy who spends all his time in a drunken stupor like a real wastoid?". Seven cans of beer and half a decanter of whiskey so far, I'm not even sure how he can stomach it all. one can of cider for me and I feel like garbage for rest of the evening, it's hard to believe we're even related! Drinking culture in this country is disgusting, it seems like every adult gathering centres around or at least includes booze in one form or another. It's common for young people to drink in parks, when they're underage, and don't even get me started on what student accommodation was like. All of my roommates spent their Fridays getting drunk and making utter asses of themselves. I've had a few drinks in my time, don't get me wrong, but at least I know my limits and stick firmly to them! Dad's on holiday for the next week and a half, so he deserves a break of course, but he seems to be using it as an excuse to get drunk. Idiotic behaviour, if you ask me. I don't want to deny the man any pleasure in life, but sometimes I fantasize about pouring all the planet's booze down the drain so nobody in the world can have a single drop. Trust me, they would be better off without it.


9TH DECEMBER 2023

I'm pretty sure I'm a girl now, back to normal. Though I don't look it at all, other than my actual body and face. My hair, my clothes, my attitude, all of it is so masculine, it'll take me a while to be girly again. That is, if I even really truly want to.

I've been feeling quite sludgy lately. My room just feels like a bad space now other than for sleep, so I try to spend as little waking time in it as I can. I've considered maybe moving back home for next semester, something I shall have to discuss with my family. I just find it so wasteful here. All my savings were gone when rent came around in the first month. I went outside to the busy part of town earlier today, because I just had to get out of my room, and I felt so sad. I kept tearing up and at one point I nearly cried in a bookshop. I suspect it's been all the tension of the past year finally catching up to me, alongside my period, and the absolute megaton of deadlines I have to meet. It's a miserable situation to be in, but it'll pass soon as new year comes forth.

There's a karaoke event in the main common room later tonight, and I might go, if some of my room-mates are going. The only thing is, the western style of karaoke seems to be very much focused on getting drunk and singing in front of an audience, the complete opposite from the Japanese form of karaoke. Suppose that's just the way things are in this country, though I shouldn't be surprised, I've lived here all my life.


7TH DECEMBER 2023

Had a big gender crisis earlier this morning and cried to my mother on the phone about it. I'm still not super sure what I am, but for the time being I want to be just Sumi. A thing that floats in a big sea of ink maybe. Thinking about it too deeply makes me feel weirdly sick and panicky, I'm not sure why. It's never been this crazy before, but I can probably chalk it up to a mix of stress, my period, and general winter sadness. This year has been a weird one is all I can say on the matter. And I just want to be a little ball of dust in the corner of a dimly-lit washitsu. Maybe my opinion will change later, maybe not. All this crying and being sad about gender has me tuckered out, I'm so 疲れた。

Gonna make tostones later today, I must buy two more limes later. There's a small general store about a five minute walk out of my college, so I'll visit there later. I might make a new website for writing in Japanese, actually. I want to practice it more, because my conversational skills could really use some work.


14TH JULY 2023

Nothing much to say today, except this: I'll bite the kneecaps of any tech-loving loser who thinks to any degree that AI "art" is on the same level as real human creation. I've been working so hard to get to where I am, and I need to work even harder to get to where I want to be in the future. There's no way in hell I'll ever let people say that my art is worth the same, or LESS, than the shit that gets churned out by mindless computers with no understanding of soul and emotion and the very human desires to create. FUCK those people. --Sumi 14/07/2023


13TH JULY 2023

I tried to record some of my banjo playing, but there is straight up nowhere in this apartment where I can do that. My sister says I can't record in our room because she's on a voice call with her friends playing videogames, and my parents are always in the living room or kitchen. God I'm really looking forward to September, when I can finally get out of here! I'll miss being able to have a bath every evening (the student halls only have showers), but at least I'll finally be paying my own rent, for a place that I can chill in and record however much music I want without worrying about anyone else.

I stayed at home all day today, having gotten out of bed around half past 11 AM. I usually don't rot in bed for so long, but after yesterday's closing shift at the mall, I guess I kinda needed it. Nothing too crazy happened at the store yesterday, but my shift felt like it was dragging on forever. Seriously, is it even healthy for the human body to work 9 hours straight? Maybe to the average adult it seems pretty standard, but from the perspective of someone who actually cares about the limits of his body and brain, I think it's just cruel to make people work that long, doing something they don't even like. For real, I'll bet there's only about three people in the world who ACTUALLY like doing customer service, and they clearly must have some kind of brain disease. On a completely different topic, I've been wondering whether I should change the theme of this site or not. It's really cool as it is, but in terms of readability (is that even a word?), having bright yellow on top of dark purple probably ain't all that good for the average netizen's eyes. I've also been wanting to add a thing where I can have music playing automatically in my homepage, but I have no idea what I need to do to get that. Maybe I'll try and figure it out with a little research after I'm done writing this entry. --Sumi 13/07/2023


7TH JULY 2023

I hate this stupid house. The only person I can tolerate most of the time is my sister because she never gets under my skin or complains about anything. Both my parents never shut the fuck up about each other and they ALWAYS ALWAYS come bitching to me about some retarded fucking argument they had earlier in the day. And this happens nearly every day. I'm not their damn therapist, I'm their kid, and I wish they'd just fucking zip it or at least go to marriage counseling or something, but with the way things are, they probably won't. If it carries on like this for however long, I doubt they'll still be together by the end of the year. They say they love each other, and sometimes it shows, but most of the time it's like they're both walking on eggshells around each other. I feel like that too, I know I love them because duh, they're my parents, but sometimes I just can't wait for September to roll around so I can finally move out of this place. It's always "blah blah blah oh Sumi it's like your mother just worries way too much and she's SUCH a hypochondriac, clearly it's all in her head", and "nantoka kantoka oh Sumi-chan I wish your father would just understand, he's so cold and callous and critical about everything, what a chode" and I just hate hearing it! And now my mother doesn't have a job because she's sick, and my dad's always working at home, I never get time to myself. EVER. Going outside provides temporary relief from the misery at home, but even then, I'm not really alone, because I'm with the rest of the world. I just miss the days when I was still in highschool and both of my parents would be working in their offices, and I'd get home from classes early and have those precious few hours by myself where I could do whatever I pleased. Don't give a fuck about how I am at work anymore, I hardly smile at customers and they don't take offence to it. So long as I'm polite and do my job properly, it's all cool, even if I have to deal with the occasional asshole or two, because at least they leave the store and never come back. I always go home at the end of the day and it's the same stupid shit over and over again. Autumn come quickly, save me from this misery! --Sumi 07/07/2023

26TH APRIL 2023

I haven't written on this site in a little over a month. I don't have much strong desire to update this place lately, but maybe the motivation will come back sometime soon. The trip abroad was awesome, though. We stayed at a relative's house and met with other relatives and old friends, ate all kinds of food, and bought a lot of souvenirs, and went to so many places in the city. I will elaborate more on this trip in one of my future entries, since it deserves a whole log of its own, hehehe.

On a slightly more sad note, my main intention for today's entry was to just get out some thoughts about this gap year, and friends, and university and such. I hardly talk about negative things on this site, since I don't want it to become one of those miserable things that depressed people make to try and cope with stuff (though I've been in a similar spot in previous days.)

It's so lonely here. I have friends, of course I do, but I hardly ever see them, since they're all away studying in faraway cities, and it gets busy around this time of year with exams and all. I don't consider any of my colleagues as friends, even if they're the people I talk to most frequently outside of my family. They're nice, but I don't feel the need to be around them and spend time with them. But then again, I'm sure most people have that attitude towards their coworkers too. It's silly to complain about stuff like this, given that I straight up chose to take this year off, but every now and then I find myself wondering whether I regret it or not. Making cash is nice, and I'm sure there are people who would envy the wages and solitude that comes with this year off, but I haven't felt so lonely in a while. Even a couple years ago, arguably one of the worst eras of my life ever, I didn't feel lonely. I was in highschool back then, so I saw friends every day, and we stuck to each other like glue.

But it's a hard, achey sort of feeling to see your friends moving forward and doing all kinds of fun university things, making progress in their lives and accomplishing things, while you sit doing the same old daily routine like an old pensioner. Loser-esque as it sounds, on rare occasions, I worry that maybe they see me no longer as a very close friend, and more like an older friend that they occasionally make communications with. But to me, they're still my newest friends, and will be until I hopefully get back into university lifestyle in this coming autumn (so long as the university accepts me). This ache will pass, as all things do, but when you're going through such things, it can sometimes feel like quicksand, keeping you stuck in one place. Frankly, I'm not very used to being alone all the time, even though I'm never alone at home (though that is another can of worms for another day, that again, will be thrown away once I move out for university). I do miss socialising with the fun folk. --Sumi 26/04/2023


Sumi's Site...From 2022 - The end of the world!